Apa kamu menunggu ini?
Jujur saja,
Aku tak tahu harus menulis apa, seperti biasa
Namun, sepertinya aku membuatmu kesal hari ini
Iya kan?
Maaf,
Aku benar benar tak bermaksud membuatmu begitu.
Maaf jika responku selalu tak sesuai dengan inginmu.
Kamu tahu, aku memperhatikan
Aku mendengarkan,
Namun terkadang aku tidak tahu respon apa yang harus kuberikan
Itu salah satu alasan kenapa aku sering membalas lama pesanmu
Bukan kah kamu bercerita tentang dirinya?
Oh, aku juga mulai membahasnya sekarang
Entah kenapa aku terlalu perasa, hingga sampai sekarang
Tak tahan jika mendengarnya haha
Namun aku tak apa, seperti biasa
Hari ini, mood ku tidak jelas, cuaca juga
Sedang moody parah haha
Apa lagi?
Kantor sedang kacau namun tidak begitu,
Kuliah sedang banyak tugas namun tidak banyak waktu
Aktivitas semakin banyak, semoga badan juga selalu sehat
Kamu juga sibuk bukan?
Makan yang benar, aku tidak mau kamu sakit
Tolong, jaga kesehatan ya
Cuaca sedang sangat amat tidak bersahabat
Apa aku harus mengatakan disini?
Aku sangat ingin bertemu denganmu
Sangat rindu,
Hingga memikirkan nya saja bisa membuatku menangis
Entah bagaimana caranya,
Kamu membuatku semakin tak ingin jauh
Apa yang kamu lakukan padaku?
Apa yang kamu lakukan pada hatiku?
Saat membaca apa yang kamu tulis,
Tak ada yang bisa kukatakan
Yang ingin ku lakukan hanya memelukmu
Namun,
Aku hanya dapat memelukmu didalam ingatanku
Tenang saja, aku masih mengingat jelas rasanya kau peluk
Sudah hampir jam dua belas, tidurlah
Tidurlah yang nyenyak, mimpilah yang indah
Aku mencintaimu, mencintai semua kekurangan dan masa lalumu.
My dear Tasya,
I'm so sorry that I don't celebrate our 100th day. Then again, happy belated 100th day, dear. :)
Many things already happened on our days
I shared to you many things
Even those I kept by myself, even though I'm a bit harsh, you already knew it is me and it is really no one else beside me that can do such things
We kept dreaming for the future, even though we are now busy
You are going to work and doing college almost everyday; I can say that you are really a tough woman. Like her. I doubt I can do such thing even though I am going to work and doing college as well right now.
You have read once in my book: I want to find such qualities that I found in her, that maybe unique only to her. But I want you to be better than her. I shared you everything what is our fault in our past days. It is the only way that I can redeem myself and do better things through those faults. Faults so extreme that only me and her can do such things. But now you know, and I hope you understand what I meant.
I pray for you just like anyone else that I thought is important in my life. Including her as well.
But it's already two years now, and actually the first thing when I see those photos, I am a bit shocked
And then my heart melted for a second, how those happy days returned to me
And then I remember she shouted at me at the telephone, "We have already discussed this." "No, Edwin, you can not do this thing anymore." "I do not care anymore about Edwin. Well who cares now? Siapa yang peduli sama Edwin sekarang?"
At that time I realize I am no longer with her, and now I am with you, sharing almost everyday of our life, I told you anything
It's the same way I will do to her if she came back to me, but the fate says another
I hope I regain my hope completely later, with you, so I can really say, 'My dearest Tasya'
I'm so sorry that I don't celebrate our 100th day. Then again, happy belated 100th day, dear. :)
Many things already happened on our days
I shared to you many things
Even those I kept by myself, even though I'm a bit harsh, you already knew it is me and it is really no one else beside me that can do such things
We kept dreaming for the future, even though we are now busy
You are going to work and doing college almost everyday; I can say that you are really a tough woman. Like her. I doubt I can do such thing even though I am going to work and doing college as well right now.
You have read once in my book: I want to find such qualities that I found in her, that maybe unique only to her. But I want you to be better than her. I shared you everything what is our fault in our past days. It is the only way that I can redeem myself and do better things through those faults. Faults so extreme that only me and her can do such things. But now you know, and I hope you understand what I meant.
I pray for you just like anyone else that I thought is important in my life. Including her as well.
But it's already two years now, and actually the first thing when I see those photos, I am a bit shocked
And then my heart melted for a second, how those happy days returned to me
And then I remember she shouted at me at the telephone, "We have already discussed this." "No, Edwin, you can not do this thing anymore." "I do not care anymore about Edwin. Well who cares now? Siapa yang peduli sama Edwin sekarang?"
At that time I realize I am no longer with her, and now I am with you, sharing almost everyday of our life, I told you anything
It's the same way I will do to her if she came back to me, but the fate says another
I hope I regain my hope completely later, with you, so I can really say, 'My dearest Tasya'
I put a big expectation of you - because I know, you have the ability to do it. And I will help you, from here, from afar, from 459 Km away between us. You know I will stay. Once you take my heart completely, it's yours. Do not ever waste this - Maria Theresia Claudia Tasya.From your boy
*ini adalah contoh tulisan stream of consciousness - dimana tulisan ini ditulis dengan memikirkan alur pemikiran penulis yang tetap melaju, seakan-akan penulis menulis pikirannya sendiri.
T: Halo?
E: Halo?
T: Halo?
E: Dengan Pizza Hut?
T: Salah, ini Hoka-Hoka Bento. Mau pesan apa? Bisa diantar, tapi ada ongkos kirimnya. Masa operator kayak gitu ya? Mana ada coba?
E: Ada lah
T: Ngga ada lah
E: Kok?
T: Kok?
E: Ini?
T: Ini? Aku ga tau kamu lagi bikin apa ish
E: Yaudah sih ish
T: Kamu nulis apa sih?
E: Bentar ya sya
T: Ngga, ngga boleh.
E: Bentar ish
T: Iya ish
(1 menit kemudian)
T: Kamu ngapain?
E: Bentar
(1 menit kemudian)
T: Hmmm
E: Hmmm
(1 menit kemudian)
T: Kamu ngetik-ngetik
E: Ngga kok
(1 menit kemudian)
T: Aku tau kamu lagi ngapain.
E: Aku tau kamu lagi ngapain.
T: Kamu tau ngga aku lagi ngapain? Aku lagi baca.
E: Iya aku tau kamu lagi ngapain. Aku lagi ngapain?
T: Kamu lagi ngetik.
E: Kamu?
T: Kamu?
E: Kamu lagi ngetik.
T: Kamu lagi ngetik. Besok aku gereja pagi dong. Aku belum tidur nih.
E: Aduh.
T: Besok alamat nih.
E: Besok tolong pasang alarm lah
T: Yaudah pasang alarm jam 5 pagi aja
E: Mau ngapain?
T: Halo?
E: Halo?
T: Halo?
E: Dengan Pizza Hut?
T: Salah, ini Hoka-Hoka Bento. Mau pesan apa? Bisa diantar, tapi ada ongkos kirimnya. Masa operator kayak gitu ya? Mana ada coba?
E: Ada lah
T: Ngga ada lah
E: Kok?
T: Kok?
E: Ini?
T: Ini? Aku ga tau kamu lagi bikin apa ish
E: Yaudah sih ish
T: Kamu nulis apa sih?
E: Bentar ya sya
T: Ngga, ngga boleh.
E: Bentar ish
T: Iya ish
(1 menit kemudian)
T: Kamu ngapain?
E: Bentar
(1 menit kemudian)
T: Hmmm
E: Hmmm
(1 menit kemudian)
T: Kamu ngetik-ngetik
E: Ngga kok
(1 menit kemudian)
T: Aku tau kamu lagi ngapain.
E: Aku tau kamu lagi ngapain.
T: Kamu tau ngga aku lagi ngapain? Aku lagi baca.
E: Iya aku tau kamu lagi ngapain. Aku lagi ngapain?
T: Kamu lagi ngetik.
E: Kamu?
T: Kamu?
E: Kamu lagi ngetik.
T: Kamu lagi ngetik. Besok aku gereja pagi dong. Aku belum tidur nih.
E: Aduh.
T: Besok alamat nih.
E: Besok tolong pasang alarm lah
T: Yaudah pasang alarm jam 5 pagi aja
E: Mau ngapain?
Kau yang ku kenal sekarang adalah seorang lelaki.
Selalu mengisi hari-hariku dengan kebahagiaan,
Dulu kau lelaki yang begitu santai,
Kerjaanmu hanya tidur, makan dan dirumah saja
Tapi kini kau lelaki yang begitu bertanggungjawab
Kau bermimpi sangat besar, dan aku pun mengikutimu kemana saja kau pergi.
Bagaimana bisa aku jatuh hati padamu?
Tadinya, aku kira ini tak akan berlangsung lama
mungkin terlalu banyak ragu dihatiku
hingga kini, walaupun jarak begitu jauh
Aku tak lagi tahu bagaimana caranya untuk berhenti,
untuk sejenak saja melepas diri dari dekapanmu
Kau tau, kadang aku benci kenapa harus ada jarak.
Aku rindu kita yang selalu bercanda.
Tapi hatimu disini, dan aku harap hatimu selalu disini.
Selalu mengisi hari-hariku dengan kebahagiaan,
Dulu kau lelaki yang begitu santai,
Kerjaanmu hanya tidur, makan dan dirumah saja
Tapi kini kau lelaki yang begitu bertanggungjawab
Kau bermimpi sangat besar, dan aku pun mengikutimu kemana saja kau pergi.
Bagaimana bisa aku jatuh hati padamu?
Tadinya, aku kira ini tak akan berlangsung lama
mungkin terlalu banyak ragu dihatiku
hingga kini, walaupun jarak begitu jauh
Aku tak lagi tahu bagaimana caranya untuk berhenti,
untuk sejenak saja melepas diri dari dekapanmu
Kau tau, kadang aku benci kenapa harus ada jarak.
Aku rindu kita yang selalu bercanda.
Tapi hatimu disini, dan aku harap hatimu selalu disini.
Aku mencintaimu meski tidak sering bertemu
Kini, kita berdua sibuk.
Kamu kuliah dan aku bekerja.
Kita mencoba menghidupkan mimpi masing-masing
Tapi percayalah, aku selalu mendampingimu dimanapun kamu berada.
Kamu tahu, aku menunggu setiap hari untukmu
Ingin tahu bagaimana kabarmu, mendengarkan ceritamu setiap saat
Selalu mengisi hariku dengan kegembiraan, bahwa aku menemukan orang sepertimu.
Masa lalu perlahan menghilang, walaupun selalu menghantui dan tak akan pernah hilang
Tapi kau tahu, bahwa aku akan selalu mendampingimu.
Kini, kita berdua sibuk.
Tapi kau tidak pernah berhenti merindukanku jauh disana.
Aku disini mencoba bertahan pada hidupku sendiri
Melihat mana yang benar dan mana yang salah.
Semoga Tuhan selalu mendampingiku dan menyelamatkanku dari kesalahan
Karena waktu terus berjalan dan ternyata aku terus berubah
Terdorong oleh masa laluku, kini aku dapat berdiri tegak
Mencoba melihat masa depan seperti kabut di pagi hari
Kabur, tapi nyata
Dingin, tapi membangunkan
Tak dapat dilihat dengan mata kepala namun hanya dapat dilihat dengan mata hati
Hanya dengan itulah hatiku dapat kembali utuh
Utuh, seperti besi yang telah ditempa dan diolah sekian tahun
Tak akan berkarat, tak akan pudar
Kilaunya selalu ada dan terang.
Kini, kita berdua sibuk.
Namun, kau terus mendampingiku.
Aku menaruh harapan padamu seperti kau menaruh harapan padaku
Semoga masa lalu tidak akan menghantuiku lagi
Walaupun aku tahu, masa lalu itu tetap ada
Karena hanya itulah satu-satunya pegangan hidupku
Pegangan hidup yang telah membawaku kepadamu
Kepadaku. Bersama.
Kamu kuliah dan aku bekerja.
Kita mencoba menghidupkan mimpi masing-masing
Tapi percayalah, aku selalu mendampingimu dimanapun kamu berada.
Kamu tahu, aku menunggu setiap hari untukmu
Ingin tahu bagaimana kabarmu, mendengarkan ceritamu setiap saat
Selalu mengisi hariku dengan kegembiraan, bahwa aku menemukan orang sepertimu.
Masa lalu perlahan menghilang, walaupun selalu menghantui dan tak akan pernah hilang
Tapi kau tahu, bahwa aku akan selalu mendampingimu.
Kini, kita berdua sibuk.
Tapi kau tidak pernah berhenti merindukanku jauh disana.
Aku disini mencoba bertahan pada hidupku sendiri
Melihat mana yang benar dan mana yang salah.
Semoga Tuhan selalu mendampingiku dan menyelamatkanku dari kesalahan
Karena waktu terus berjalan dan ternyata aku terus berubah
Terdorong oleh masa laluku, kini aku dapat berdiri tegak
Mencoba melihat masa depan seperti kabut di pagi hari
Kabur, tapi nyata
Dingin, tapi membangunkan
Tak dapat dilihat dengan mata kepala namun hanya dapat dilihat dengan mata hati
Hanya dengan itulah hatiku dapat kembali utuh
Utuh, seperti besi yang telah ditempa dan diolah sekian tahun
Tak akan berkarat, tak akan pudar
Kilaunya selalu ada dan terang.
Kini, kita berdua sibuk.
Namun, kau terus mendampingiku.
Aku menaruh harapan padamu seperti kau menaruh harapan padaku
Semoga masa lalu tidak akan menghantuiku lagi
Walaupun aku tahu, masa lalu itu tetap ada
Karena hanya itulah satu-satunya pegangan hidupku
Pegangan hidup yang telah membawaku kepadamu
Kepadaku. Bersama.
Aku akan menunggumu, dimanapun kamu berada.
Last year.
It was a drought season. And the most nonsensical year for me.
Back then I attended an internship at one branch of the largest corporation in the world right now, Tata.
That morning, when I drove my motorcycle to the office, I have an urge to know about her once more, after a year I have not contacted her since.
It was a sudden urge inside my mind, that I cannot help myself to not knowing about her.
So in that very morning, with that very urge that is unbearable to me, I opened my laptop and I logon to her Facebook profile.
Then there was my chat, never deleted there from December 2013, my last mail to her, to live nicely without me. And I am sure, she is.
And there was a little chat from her friend, that maybe they already read my book and make a ridicule of it.
But then I know she went to China. At that moment, I feel so desperate. It feels like I want to go back to her. Seeing her photos and so on make me very sad. I want to cry at that moment but then, I still remember her phone number. And I contacted her that morning.
She was just completed her presentation. I said, let's meet around 8 pm in her kost. I said it would be a long chat. Before that, I said, let's meet at a mall near me, and near our university as well. She said directly to me, "No, Edwin. You can't. We have to limit our conversation to two hours. I have to leave tomorrow."
I am pretty sad at the moment, but I calm down myself.
Then I contacted one of my friend. That makes me more sad as well.
Because when I contacted him, he said, that she has already a new boyfriend. She showed him his photos to him, when the graduation on its last month (about August 2014). And he added that she wants no one to know about it. But then again, my friend told me the truth. My heart instantly broken at that time. I said again and again to my friend, "How am I gonna calm down after this?"
My friend said, "Then again, it's pretty normal for her. It's one year already. Make sense that she found a new boyfriend."
"You know what I have already do to her, right?"
"Yes. Then again, she let you go because of your attitudes."
"But how am I gonna calm down after this..."
"Well, we, your friends, have told to you. She is indeed like that."
"But..."
"I think, if you want her so bad, just wait."
"Wait?"
"Yes. Waiting is the best you can do at this moment."
"Waiting?"
"She has already a new boyfriend, you know. Even I can not approach her anymore."
I told him I set up a meeting between us that day. He chuckled, "Of course you can not do more long chat to her." Obviously. I was very sad at that moment. I do not know what to do. Everything, at that moment, I do the work, I want to repent myself. I want to repent myself and trying to talk things back to her when the moment is right. But it was all useless. I felt very useless that day, even though my boss shouted at me again and again to encourage my spirit. But I was down at the moment, very down.
So I decided that day I won't meet her anyway. It was useless.
From that moment, I can not do anything.
I really can not go back to her.
It was a drought season. And the most nonsensical year for me.
Back then I attended an internship at one branch of the largest corporation in the world right now, Tata.
That morning, when I drove my motorcycle to the office, I have an urge to know about her once more, after a year I have not contacted her since.
It was a sudden urge inside my mind, that I cannot help myself to not knowing about her.
So in that very morning, with that very urge that is unbearable to me, I opened my laptop and I logon to her Facebook profile.
Then there was my chat, never deleted there from December 2013, my last mail to her, to live nicely without me. And I am sure, she is.
And there was a little chat from her friend, that maybe they already read my book and make a ridicule of it.
But then I know she went to China. At that moment, I feel so desperate. It feels like I want to go back to her. Seeing her photos and so on make me very sad. I want to cry at that moment but then, I still remember her phone number. And I contacted her that morning.
She was just completed her presentation. I said, let's meet around 8 pm in her kost. I said it would be a long chat. Before that, I said, let's meet at a mall near me, and near our university as well. She said directly to me, "No, Edwin. You can't. We have to limit our conversation to two hours. I have to leave tomorrow."
I am pretty sad at the moment, but I calm down myself.
Then I contacted one of my friend. That makes me more sad as well.
Because when I contacted him, he said, that she has already a new boyfriend. She showed him his photos to him, when the graduation on its last month (about August 2014). And he added that she wants no one to know about it. But then again, my friend told me the truth. My heart instantly broken at that time. I said again and again to my friend, "How am I gonna calm down after this?"
My friend said, "Then again, it's pretty normal for her. It's one year already. Make sense that she found a new boyfriend."
"You know what I have already do to her, right?"
"Yes. Then again, she let you go because of your attitudes."
"But how am I gonna calm down after this..."
"Well, we, your friends, have told to you. She is indeed like that."
"But..."
"I think, if you want her so bad, just wait."
"Wait?"
"Yes. Waiting is the best you can do at this moment."
"Waiting?"
"She has already a new boyfriend, you know. Even I can not approach her anymore."
I told him I set up a meeting between us that day. He chuckled, "Of course you can not do more long chat to her." Obviously. I was very sad at that moment. I do not know what to do. Everything, at that moment, I do the work, I want to repent myself. I want to repent myself and trying to talk things back to her when the moment is right. But it was all useless. I felt very useless that day, even though my boss shouted at me again and again to encourage my spirit. But I was down at the moment, very down.
So I decided that day I won't meet her anyway. It was useless.
From that moment, I can not do anything.
I really can not go back to her.
Sayang,
Tidurlah
Tidurlah yang nyenyak
Hingga lelah pergi jauh dari tubuhmu
Mimpilah yang indah
Agar tak terganggu istirahatmu
Maaf membuatmu menunggu untuk tulisan ini
Aku tidak tau harus menulis apa
Jangan terlalu lelah
Kini aktifitasmu tidak lagi sedikit
Makan tepat waktu, makanlah yang banyak
Kau membutuhkan tenaga lebih sekarang
Kau tau aku akan selalu mendukungmu
Jangan merasa sendirian.
Aku sangat merindukanmu.
