Aku mencintaimu, mencintai semua kekurangan dan masa lalumu. 

My dear Tasya,
I'm so sorry that I don't celebrate our 100th day. Then again, happy belated 100th day, dear. :)

Many things already happened on our days

I shared to you many things

Even those I kept by myself, even though I'm a bit harsh, you already knew it is me and it is really no one else beside me that can do such things

We kept dreaming for the future, even though we are now busy

You are going to work and doing college almost everyday; I can say that you are really a tough woman. Like her. I doubt I can do such thing even though I am going to work and doing college as well right now.

You have read once in my book: I want to find such qualities that I found in her, that maybe unique only to her. But I want you to be better than her. I shared you everything what is our fault in our past days. It is the only way that I can redeem myself and do better things through those faults. Faults so extreme that only me and her can do such things. But now you know, and I hope you understand what I meant.

I pray for you just like anyone else that I thought is important in my life. Including her as well. 

But it's already two years now, and actually the first thing when I see those photos, I am a bit shocked

And then my heart melted for a second, how those happy days returned to me

And then I remember she shouted at me at the telephone, "We have already discussed this." "No, Edwin, you can not do this thing anymore." "I do not care anymore about Edwin. Well who cares now? Siapa yang peduli sama Edwin sekarang?"

At that time I realize I am no longer with her, and now I am with you, sharing almost everyday of our life, I told you anything

It's the same way I will do to her if she came back to me, but the fate says another

I hope I regain my hope completely later, with you, so I can really say, 'My dearest Tasya'

I put a big expectation of you - because I know, you have the ability to do it. And I will help you, from here, from afar, from 459 Km away between us. You know I will stay. Once you take my heart completely, it's yours. Do not ever waste this - Maria Theresia Claudia Tasya.

From your boy 

*ini adalah contoh tulisan stream of consciousness - dimana tulisan ini ditulis dengan memikirkan alur pemikiran penulis yang tetap melaju, seakan-akan penulis menulis pikirannya sendiri.

T: Halo?
E: Halo?
T: Halo?
E: Dengan Pizza Hut?
T: Salah, ini Hoka-Hoka Bento. Mau pesan apa? Bisa diantar, tapi ada ongkos kirimnya. Masa operator kayak gitu ya? Mana ada coba?
E: Ada lah
T: Ngga ada lah
E: Kok?
T: Kok?
E: Ini?
T: Ini? Aku ga tau kamu lagi bikin apa ish
E: Yaudah sih ish
T: Kamu nulis apa sih?
E: Bentar ya sya
T: Ngga, ngga boleh.
E: Bentar ish
T: Iya ish

(1 menit kemudian)

T: Kamu ngapain?
E: Bentar

(1 menit kemudian)

T: Hmmm
E: Hmmm

(1 menit kemudian)

T: Kamu ngetik-ngetik
E: Ngga kok

(1 menit kemudian)

T: Aku tau kamu lagi ngapain.
E: Aku tau kamu lagi ngapain.
T: Kamu tau ngga aku lagi ngapain? Aku lagi baca.
E: Iya aku tau kamu lagi ngapain. Aku lagi ngapain?
T: Kamu lagi ngetik.
E: Kamu?
T: Kamu?
E: Kamu lagi ngetik.
T: Kamu lagi ngetik. Besok aku gereja pagi dong. Aku belum tidur nih.
E: Aduh.
T: Besok alamat nih.
E: Besok tolong pasang alarm lah
T: Yaudah pasang alarm jam 5 pagi aja
E: Mau ngapain?

Kau yang ku kenal sekarang adalah seorang lelaki.
Selalu mengisi hari-hariku dengan kebahagiaan,
Dulu kau lelaki yang begitu santai,
Kerjaanmu hanya tidur, makan dan dirumah saja
Tapi kini kau lelaki yang begitu bertanggungjawab
Kau bermimpi sangat besar, dan aku pun mengikutimu kemana saja kau pergi.
Bagaimana bisa aku jatuh hati padamu?
Tadinya, aku kira ini tak akan berlangsung lama
mungkin terlalu banyak ragu dihatiku
hingga kini, walaupun jarak begitu jauh
Aku tak lagi tahu bagaimana caranya untuk berhenti,
untuk sejenak saja melepas diri dari dekapanmu
Kau tau, kadang aku benci kenapa harus ada jarak.
Aku rindu kita yang selalu bercanda.
Tapi hatimu disini, dan aku harap hatimu selalu disini.

Aku mencintaimu meski tidak sering bertemu 

Kini, kita berdua sibuk.
Kamu kuliah dan aku bekerja.
Kita mencoba menghidupkan mimpi masing-masing
Tapi percayalah, aku selalu mendampingimu dimanapun kamu berada.
Kamu tahu, aku menunggu setiap hari untukmu
Ingin tahu bagaimana kabarmu, mendengarkan ceritamu setiap saat
Selalu mengisi hariku dengan kegembiraan, bahwa aku menemukan orang sepertimu.
Masa lalu perlahan menghilang, walaupun selalu menghantui dan tak akan pernah hilang
Tapi kau tahu, bahwa aku akan selalu mendampingimu.

Kini, kita berdua sibuk.
Tapi kau tidak pernah berhenti merindukanku jauh disana.
Aku disini mencoba bertahan pada hidupku sendiri
Melihat mana yang benar dan mana yang salah.
Semoga Tuhan selalu mendampingiku dan menyelamatkanku dari kesalahan
Karena waktu terus berjalan dan ternyata aku terus berubah
Terdorong oleh masa laluku, kini aku dapat berdiri tegak
Mencoba melihat masa depan seperti kabut di pagi hari
Kabur, tapi nyata
Dingin, tapi membangunkan
Tak dapat dilihat dengan mata kepala namun hanya dapat dilihat dengan mata hati
Hanya dengan itulah hatiku dapat kembali utuh
Utuh, seperti besi yang telah ditempa dan diolah sekian tahun
Tak akan berkarat, tak akan pudar
Kilaunya selalu ada dan terang.

Kini, kita berdua sibuk.
Namun, kau terus mendampingiku.
Aku menaruh harapan padamu seperti kau menaruh harapan padaku
Semoga masa lalu tidak akan menghantuiku lagi
Walaupun aku tahu, masa lalu itu tetap ada
Karena hanya itulah satu-satunya pegangan hidupku
Pegangan hidup yang telah membawaku kepadamu
Kepadaku. Bersama.

Aku akan menunggumu, dimanapun kamu berada.

Last year.

It was a drought season. And the most nonsensical year for me.

Back then I attended an internship at one branch of the largest corporation in the world right now, Tata.

That morning, when I drove my motorcycle to the office, I have an urge to know about her once more, after a year I have not contacted her since.

It was a sudden urge inside my mind, that I cannot help myself to not knowing about her.

So in that very morning, with that very urge that is unbearable to me, I opened my laptop and I logon to her Facebook profile.

Then there was my chat, never deleted there from December 2013, my last mail to her, to live nicely without me. And I am sure, she is.

And there was a little chat from her friend, that maybe they already read my book and make a ridicule of it.

But then I know she went to China. At that moment, I feel so desperate. It feels like I want to go back to her. Seeing her photos and so on make me very sad. I want to cry at that moment but then, I still remember her phone number. And I contacted her that morning.

She was just completed her presentation. I said, let's meet around 8 pm in her kost. I said it would be a long chat. Before that, I said, let's meet at a mall near me, and near our university as well. She said directly to me, "No, Edwin. You can't. We have to limit our conversation to two hours. I have to leave tomorrow."

I am pretty sad at the moment, but I calm down myself. 

Then I contacted one of my friend. That makes me more sad as well.

Because when I contacted him, he said, that she has already a new boyfriend. She showed him his photos to him, when the graduation on its last month (about August 2014). And he added that she wants no one to know about it. But then again, my friend told me the truth. My heart instantly broken at that time. I said again and again to my friend, "How am I gonna calm down after this?"

My friend said, "Then again, it's pretty normal for her. It's one year already. Make sense that she found a new boyfriend."

"You know what I have already do to her, right?"

"Yes. Then again, she let you go because of your attitudes."

"But how am I gonna calm down after this..."

"Well, we, your friends, have told to you. She is indeed like that."

"But..."

"I think, if you want her so bad, just wait."

"Wait?"

"Yes. Waiting is the best you can do at this moment."

"Waiting?"

"She has already a new boyfriend, you know. Even I can not approach her anymore."

I told him I set up a meeting between us that day. He chuckled, "Of course you can not do more long chat to her." Obviously. I was very sad at that moment. I do not know what to do. Everything, at that moment, I do the work, I want to repent myself. I want to repent myself and trying to talk things back to her when the moment is right. But it was all useless. I felt very useless that day, even though my boss shouted at me again and again to encourage my spirit. But I was down at the moment, very down.

So I decided that day I won't meet her anyway. It was useless.

From that moment, I can not do anything.

I really can not go back to her.

Aku sangat merindukanmu.

My dearest,

It's almost two months since our first meeting.
I never thought that I found you in such an app like that, I can not say that I am not grateful.
For the love of God, he gave me so many things in this world to be faced upon myself. I can not hide from it, nor I run. I face it so gratefully and I thank God everyday that he still gave me such a life, an interesting one, albeit with many stones thrown upon me. But challenges are challenges, that I have to tackle.

My dearest,

I love you.
I love your smile everyday even though you are not by my side.
It is such a guilty feeling inside me that I am also happy even though we are living apart by now. Maybe the time has not turn its face on us yet. But God perhaps hid its plan from us, an unique one, and we do not know it, yet.

My dearest,

I love your laugh everyday.
I love your sound everyday.
I love your care everyday.

Everyday.

My dearest,

God has his own unexpected way for me to see you, and now I am belong to you. I hope you find a new dream in me, as I want to renew my dream with you. Because there is nothing more than I want beside having a new hope and a new dream, with a girl, with such a name, Maria Theresia Claudia Tasya.

She has accepted me as I am and I accepted her as she is - so that our love will grow brightly, to inspire people as well - so it will be our prove, that our love, is true. It is not something made in a second, but made slowly, as I see her spirit in me, and she also sees my spirit in her.

My dearest,

I love you more everyday.
I love you for your determination.
I love you for such uniqueness that I hope will kickstart my dying heart once again.
I love you because you can accept me for what I am, for what has happened to me, shapen me for my present. Now I can face everyday with a smile and with hope.

It has been a long time to find such hope to live with such kindness.

My dearest,

Ich liebe dich, Claudia Tasya.

Percayalah, aku tidak sabar bertemu denganmu lagi. 

Aku akan tetap disini, saat semua orang memilih untuk pergi.

Aku sepertinya berhasil menebak apapun yang kamu lakukan hari ini.

Namun kali ini aku tak tau, kamu sedang melakukan apa.

Aku hanya ingin mengatakan.

"Aku mencintaimu"

Apa ada nya dirimu.

Maaf sudah membuatmu kesal.

Catatan: Cerita itu semua nya fiksi dan bagian terakhir, aku terinspirasi kamu dan kita.